Usually when you see a headline about Gwyneth Paltrow, it means she did something obnoxious, like encouraging women to steam clean their vaginas.
(Side note: don’t steam clean your vagina. According to doctors, Gwyneth knows as much about feminine hygiene as Jenny McCarthy knows about vaccinations.)
Sometimes, however, Gwyneth reminds us of why the public fell in love with her in the first place…
She’s beautiful, she’s outspoken, and despite frequent public criticism, she’s boldly and defiantly herself.
The makeup-free selfie (above) that Gwyneth posted to celebrate her 44th birthday yesterday reflects so many of her best qualities.
Unfortunately, the caption that she posted with it serves as a reminder of why the mere mention of her name elicits involuntary eyerolls from 96% of the Earth’s population. (We looked it up.)
“#nomakeup for my 44th birthday, embracing my past and future. Thank you for the instalove #goopgoesmakeupfree @goop”
Sure, fine, whatever.
Of course she used the occasion to plug her stupid lifestyle brand.
We won’t even fault her for that.
But you can’t post a pic and prematurely thank people for the positive comments.
That’s just not how the Internet works.
This caption proves once and for all that Gwyneth is the kind of person who posts a selfie and immediately “likes” it.
Look, obviously, this post isn’t as obnoxious as the phrase “conscious uncoupling.”
And it’s certainly not as annoying as the time Paltrow sang the praises of a $15,000 vibrator.
(Why’s she always trying to you what to do with your vadge?)
And it’s definitely not as irritating as the time she accepted the “food stamp challenge” just to get caught cheating on it a day later.
We could go on and on.
The point is, Gwyneth can’t even jump on the makeup-free selfie bandwagon without doing something lame.
Also, that hashtag is only okay if she’s planning some kind of makeup-free theme day on her website.
If she’s taken to referring to herself in the third person as “Goop,” then we’re gonna need Gwyneth to leave the planet for a while.
Just for a few years to give us time to heal.