Are you struggling with the feeling that 2017 has been jabbing you with a barbecue fork in all of your most vulnerable places?
Well, you’re not alone.
The events of this year have left millions longing for a simpler time, when gentlemen inquired as to whether a lady was DTF before the two of them exchanged STDs.
As a result, MTV is doing its best to expand its iconic series Jersey Shore, into a full-blown franchise.
It’s a strategy that kind of worked for 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom, but even then, there were some misfires (RIP, Teen Mom 3).
Thus far, the response to southern-fried spinoff Floribama Shore has been less than encouraging.
(Ratings numbers aren’t in yet, but the show was roasted to a crisp by irritated viewers on Twitter during its Monday premiere.)
So the network is returning to the humpin’-and-fist-pumpin’ crew that delivered an unexpected ratings boon back in the 2000s with a long-anticipated Jersey Shore reunion.
You may be thinking, Wait there was already a Jersey Shore reunion and it was super lame!
And you would be right.
MTV brought (most of) the old gang back together for a one-off special, and wow, was it horrendous.
There was also a Burger King-sponsored Jersey Shore reunion back in July.
Yet again, the folks responsible were unable to assemble the entire cast, and once again, it sucked out loud.
But this new project is something else, entirely MTV claims.
No shameless cash-grab like those first two ventures, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation will apparently offer an unvarnished glimpse at the ways in which life after fame has affected Snooki, The Situation, and their less-amusingly-nicknamed friends.
However, as eagle-eyed fans have pointed out, MTV was once again able to get the entire band back together.
This time, the missing party is Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, who’s best remembered for her volatile relationship with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, aka the other cast member you totally forgot about.
There are conflicting stories about why Giancola was unable to join her sweaty former housemates.
Not surprisingly, her reps claim she’s simply too busy being super famous:
“Sammi is working on another project,” a source close to Giancola tells Radar Online.
“I believe she is joining Celebrity Big Brother.”
The more believable story is that Sammi simply didn’t want to delve back into the seriously messy drama that characterized her twenties.
“Everyone was invited to come on the show, but Sammi was the only one who didn’t want to,” says a different insider.
“A big reason for that was because she didn’t want to be around Ronnie.”
We guess we can understand that, but seriously–how is it this hard to re-assemble the cast of freakin’ Jersey Shore?
Are they all gonna appear unannounced on a rooftop in London someday?
That was a Beatles reference for those of you old enough to remember Jersey Shore, but too young to remember real gosh-dang rock music!
Now if you’ll excuse us, we think we heard some kids on our lawn.