In case you decided to move to a cabin in the woods to focus on your beard-growing skills sometime around November 9, 2016, then you may not be aware that D.C.’s most diseased rats have been fleeing the sinking ship that is the Trump administration in droves.
The latest casualty of the leakiest vessel on the Potomac is Omarosa Manigault, the former Apprentice contestant who managed to land a gig in Trump’s communications department because America has officially completed its transformation into a Mike Judge fever dream.
Since being unceremoniously sh-tcanned by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, Omarosa has been appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, where she’s become the show’s resident harbinger of doom, routinely scaring the hell out of her castmates with tales of corruption and hypocrisy inside the Trump administration.
Not surprisingly, this practice has earned her the ire of self-proclaimed journalist and noted angry potato Piers Morgan.
Morgan recently embarked on a second career as a professional Trump bootlicker, which means he took it as his sacred duty to burn Manigault’s reputation to the ground.
And since they both appeared on The Apprentice – our current administration’s answer to the Hitler Youth – it was easy for Piers to claim insider knowledge of Omarosa’s shady past.
“I’ve met a lot of vile human beings in my life, from dictators and terrorists to sex abusers and wicked conmen,” Morgan wrote in a piece for the Daily Mail on Tuesday.
“But I’ve never met anyone quite so relentlessly loathsome as Omarosa; a vicious, duplicitous, lying, conniving, backstabbing piece of work.”
Piers went on to tear Omarosa apart as basically the worst person he’s ever met, while at the same time absolving Trump of any blame for giving her a job in the freakin’ White House:
“Which beggars the question: what the hell was she doing inside the world’s most powerful building for 12 months? The answer, as we can now see, was amassing a whole mass of damaging information to now use against President Trump and his administration on Celebrity Big Brother,” he wrote.
Well, that’s just boring, Piers.
We assume everyone in the White House is compiling information so that they can either write a scathing tell-all or turn state’s evidence.
We thought you were gonna answer the far more intriguing question of how she got hired in the first place.
From there, Piers goes on to describe a ruthlessly ambitious woman who would do anything to succeed.
Trigger warning: “anything” here includes having sex with Piers Morgan.
“Omarosa sidled up to me at the New York Mercantile Exchange and said, quite seriously: ‘Piers, do you want a showmance?’ ‘A what?’ I replied.
“‘A showmance. You know, a romance on the show — we get it on together. Happens all the time on Apprentice. Everyone has sex together. Then we can make lots of money out of it,’” Morgan wrote.
“I stared at her grasping, ferociously ambitious little eyes, and laughed: ‘You must be joking, you deluded woman.’ She didn’t take it well. ‘What are you? Gay?’”
Ignoring the roast-able bounty that is everything else about him, Omarosa then zeroed in on Morgan’s sexuality in an attempt to … well, we’re not really sure what she was trying to accomplish at this point.
“Because I’d rejected her revolting sex plot, she decided the best line of attack was to repeatedly question my sexuality in the most crude and offensive manner imaginable,” Morgan’s op-ed continued.
“On another occasion, in front of boxing champion Lennox Lewis, she said: ‘Hey Piers, I hear you got caught sucking a gay waiter’s c—k in a hotel pool?’ This was a lie. I’m not gay and she hadn’t heard that about me. She’d just made it up to smear me and to provoke me into a confrontation.”
Morgan concludes his piece:
“Beneath the laughs though lay a less savoury truth: Omarosa is a reprehensible human being, prepared to offer sex to win a reality TV show and use the most vile homophobic slurs against rival contestants.”
Wow. Piers Morgan is calling someone else vile and reprehensible?!
Is this some sort of Fight Club situation where we’re gonna find out he and Omarosa were the same person this whole time?
Obviously, we’re torn by this scenario, because Piers is the worst, but Omarosa is also the worst.
There was a time when it was impossible for two things to be worst, but 2018 is bringing us to new depths as a society.
It’s a good time to kiss your loved ones and make peace with your higher power, folks because it’s only February.